Bribing a federal agent– Milwaukee, WI - February 2008

Just in case you aren’t sure of who is included under that “FEDERAL AGENT” umbrella, just about any job with “department of…” in the title. (Usually there is a cute 3 or 4, sometimes 7 letter acronym.) There are a gazillion of these agencies but one in particular has become near and dear to my heart, the T.S.A. or the Transportation Security Administration. A dead giveaway that you are in contact with a TSA agent is their spiffy outfits.


Women wear these maroon polyester sweater vests – see photo.
(I know you are now wondering if they have this one in your size). The gents sport neck ties. Everyone gets to wear these stripped things that button to their shoulders and the letters TSA are stamped on the backs of all of their clothing.

Before my recent trip to Milwaukee, I could have honestly said that in my adult life my criminal activity has been limited to the occasional wrong way down a one way street, cutting the do not remove tag off of my pillows and mattresses, a right turn on red ticket, and sneaking my niece and nephew C-A-N-D-Y when their mother, my sister, isn’t looking.

Note to Self: when the TSA says no liquids can pass through the security check point, they mean it

Additional Note to Self: You are not an exception!

So there I was, thinking that now after three trips in two weeks I am the all knowing road warrior, I don’t even have to think about crossing the security check point. In fact, people should watch and model my actions as I am an example of airport check point efficiency. HA!!!

Not only did they 86 my 4.5 oz toothpaste, my hair dryer that looked as though it could be concealing a weapon, and my VERY EXPENSIVE face wash, It was discovered that I had been concealing three 12 oz cans of Coke, a standard 16 oz bottle of water, and hand sanitizer.

If you’re not quite with me on the dilemma here, and/or you haven’t traveled by air since 9/11, before you enter the airport security experience their about 72 posters, pamphlets, key chains, book marks, recorded messages, instructional videos, people doing sign language and Braille manuals telling you what you are and are not to take through the check point. In addition to that there is a man at the ‘in’ end of the conveyor asking to confirm that you indeed have read the signage and that you are abiding by the TSA regulations and not carrying any liquids, pastes, and/or gels through the check point. And what do you imagine I told this man, yep you are right, I told him, “No sir, not that I am aware of”.

So you can imagine my surprise when I get to the end of that same conveyor after a pat down by a she man, and being given what could only compare to a field sobriety test (touch your nose, touch your toes, stand on one foot, you get the idea) and finally am allowed to exit this machine that they call a explosive device detector, that shoots air at you from about fifty different directions (ensuring that your good hair day is non-recoverable, and they have my contraband beverage set out like a police line up and a funny grin on their faces. “These yours?” they ask me. And ever the comedian what do I say back? Well… (little giggle) yes they are, but I brought them for you guys… (big smile) Hope ya’ll are thirsty!” “Ma’am” they say as their faces turn from sweet to stone, “you do know that it is illegal to attempt to bribe a federal agent?”

For a moment my life in a petty crime prison sharing a cell with Britney flashed before my eyes (we were BFF’s, we shared beauty secrets, and she confessed to me that her marriage was a truth or dare game gone VERY wrong, and she confided in me that they were going to let Brad and Angelina adopt their children.) Then their faces broke into smiles and they waved me through. (Oh and they kept my liquids.) Since then I have flown twice and successfully made it through security without any problems. Promise I will not let it go to my head.

Till next time,
Bon Voyage!