Note to Reader: Okay, I’ve got several posts in the works, but research and my inability to take a rockin’ photo are holding me back, but please know that there are several on the way that will be worth waiting for, including… drum roll please, my First Blogiversary Contest in March!!! So, stay tuned!
Additional Note to Reader: This story is long over due!
Over the last 6 or so months I have been flip flopping back and forth about my feelings toward motherhood and my confidence in my ability to be a good mother. I didn’t have the most traditional of upbringings, but I think that most of the time, my parents did the best they knew how to do with what they had. Because my mother wasn’t around that much, I’ve always had some serious insecurities in this department. My older sister often times was my teacher for the things that mothers normally teach. She walked me home from school, and she taught me how to put my hair in a pony tail. She gave me the “4-1-1” on the best ways to deal with girl bullies. She taught me how to tight roll my jeans, tease my hair and when my sneakers were falling apart and we both knew that there was no money to buy new ones, she showed me how to duct tape my sneakers so that no one at school would ever know. For all of these things, I owe her the world, but she grew up and moved away when I was about 14 so we never really got to the “big stuff”.
So, as the Hub and I get closer to the day that we’ll start our own little family, I find myself frightened at the possibility that I will completely fail at being a mother, especially to a little girl. What if I forget to teach her something important? Each time my fear reaches the roof, little angels zoom in and sprinkle happy thoughts and sweet sweet hugs on to me and my fear dissolves. This was just such an occasion.
My good friend brought her 3 year old little girl to our weekly bible study. This “Little Miss” has always held a sweet place in my heart, and on this night, at the sight of each other, she ran over and I scooped her up. She sat next to me that night and as the conversation rose she laughed as though on queue and when it fell soft, she was right there along side me wearing a face of concern and contemplation. Every once in a while I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see her beautiful brown curls bouncing as she took notes just like the big girls. I twisted my pen between my fingers and she twisted her pen between her fingers. When I thoughtfully held a finger to my cheek, I snuck a peek at her and she was copying my every move. At the end of the night she came to hug me good bye and when she was close by my ear she whispered “Love you Ms. Lili”.
My heart rose as she shuffled away to meet her mom, and in those little moments, I am able to understand that I will be a good mother because I have so many good mothers to learn from like my sister, Little Miss’s mom, and all of the wonderful women that have come into my life and filled in the spaces that my mother couldn’t.
Till next time,