Feb 11, 2009

"Little Miss" – February 2009

Note to Reader: Okay, I’ve got several posts in the works, but research and my inability to take a rockin’ photo are holding me back, but please know that there are several on the way that will be worth waiting for, including… drum roll please, my First Blogiversary Contest in March!!! So, stay tuned!

Additional Note to Reader: This story is long over due!

Over the last 6 or so months I have been flip flopping back and forth about my feelings toward motherhood and my confidence in my ability to be a good mother. I didn’t have the most traditional of upbringings, but I think that most of the time, my parents did the best they knew how to do with what they had. Because my mother wasn’t around that much, I’ve always had some serious insecurities in this department. My older sister often times was my teacher for the things that mothers normally teach. She walked me home from school, and she taught me how to put my hair in a pony tail. She gave me the “4-1-1” on the best ways to deal with girl bullies. She taught me how to tight roll my jeans, tease my hair and when my sneakers were falling apart and we both knew that there was no money to buy new ones, she showed me how to duct tape my sneakers so that no one at school would ever know. For all of these things, I owe her the world, but she grew up and moved away when I was about 14 so we never really got to the “big stuff”.

So, as the Hub and I get closer to the day that we’ll start our own little family, I find myself frightened at the possibility that I will completely fail at being a mother, especially to a little girl. What if I forget to teach her something important? Each time my fear reaches the roof, little angels zoom in and sprinkle happy thoughts and sweet sweet hugs on to me and my fear dissolves. This was just such an occasion.

My good friend brought her 3 year old little girl to our weekly bible study. This “Little Miss” has always held a sweet place in my heart, and on this night, at the sight of each other, she ran over and I scooped her up. She sat next to me that night and as the conversation rose she laughed as though on queue and when it fell soft, she was right there along side me wearing a face of concern and contemplation. Every once in a while I glanced out of the corner of my eye to see her beautiful brown curls bouncing as she took notes just like the big girls. I twisted my pen between my fingers and she twisted her pen between her fingers. When I thoughtfully held a finger to my cheek, I snuck a peek at her and she was copying my every move. At the end of the night she came to hug me good bye and when she was close by my ear she whispered “Love you Ms. Lili”.

My heart rose as she shuffled away to meet her mom, and in those little moments, I am able to understand that I will be a good mother because I have so many good mothers to learn from like my sister, Little Miss’s mom, and all of the wonderful women that have come into my life and filled in the spaces that my mother couldn’t.

Till next time,
Bon Voyage!

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, that was the sweetest thing I've ever read. You're making me tear up Lili. Children have a way of bringing a little burst of sunshine to you on a rainy day. I had the same fear as you about being a good mother. My mother was around physically, but everything else was absent. All I can say is, once you hold your own baby in your arms, there is no feeling like it in the world. Everything else will come natural to you."

Suze said...

I have the utmost confidence in your ability because I know your heart. I am very excited about about the future for you and the Hub. It makes me happy to think that sometime soon I will be the aunt to your children too! Love you bunches!

loui said...

Oh, Lili - you are so loved and you'll be the best lil mom one day!! It was so sweet to watch her looking up to you!

Stephanie Sabbe said...

you will be the best mamma! and that little miss trying to be a little lili was the cutest thing to watch!

Amanda said...

This was so sweet...

Beth said...

Oh Lili, this is so very sweet and touching. The love you show will give you what you need to be a good mom. My mom died when my babies were young and I wondered how I would know what to do without my mom around to guide me. Again, love has guided me. God just works that way. Have faith.

Sarah :) said...

Aw, that's sweet. You are a wonderful person and will be a wonderful mama. Love you!

Lo said...

This is a lovely post. There is not a day that goes by that I don't doubt myself or a decision or fussing at the kids. There is not a day that goes by that I don't get frustrated or think ugh!

But OVER RULING ALL of that, I know in my heart, even when I doubt, I FIERCELY LOVE my children and that they know it. They make me smile like nothing in my life before them. There is nothing like having your own child say 'I love you, Mommy'. Everything I do, I do with the motivation that they know they are well and deeply loved. Even when they don't like a decision, even when I have to punish them (yucky, bleh! I hate that part!).

You will be a wonderful mother when that day comes. And when it comes, keep in the back of your mind to forgive yourself for any mistakes to your child or YOURSELF. You will make them and if your anything like me my hardest critic is myself. God will choose the perfect child for you to be the perfect mother to, flaws and talents combined.

Love you

Andy said...

Sweet story Lili. Don't fear any part of being a parent. God made us to do this and it will come naturally to you!

Mano Rennt said...

Hey Lili.

This is just filled with honesty, and you know what, I honestly know that you'll be a great mother. You're such a loving and caring human being, and along with the Hub, you'll be great parents.

- Manuel